I know, I know… How dare I use a misleading title on my blog post. It’s darn near “click bait”. I wanted your attention to discuss something rather important, that most couples don’t really think about. This pertains to those being escorted down the aisle by someone of importance. And, I find when I get to this portion of my discussion with most couples, they haven’t given it any thought. So, I figured today would be a good day to discuss this subject, and help you be more prepared for your own ceremony. What is it? If you haven’t figured it out yet, we’ll be discussing whether you want to be “given-away”, or “presented”, by the person who will be escorting you down the aisle.
What do you mean?
For those unfamiliar with what I’m talking about, this is a very traditional part of the ceremony steeped in questionable ideas, thoughts, laws, and practices. For more info on all that, check out some previous blogs I’ve written about traditions in wedding ceremonies. Nowadays, this portion of the ceremony is generally thought of as a way to pay respect to the person(s) who escorted you down the aisle. For the purpose of this blog, we’ll assume the person is the father and the person being escorted down is the bride. (But you do you, and you’ll still get the point of this post)
Escort Service
So, first, we should discuss the whole “escorting down the aisle” thing, and then we can move on to the bigger question. Before we get in to the first thing, I need to first tell you something else first… does that make sense? Whole lotta firsts going on here! In my nearly 14 years of doing this, I’ve seen everything. Dad walking down bride, mom walking down bride, both parents walking down bride, bride coming down on her own, grandparents, children, best friend… you get the point.
There’s no right or wrong way to do this. You need to make a decision as to how you’ll be walking down the aisle. When I get to this point in the conversation with couples, this is where they almost always realize they didn’t give any thought at all as to how to come down the aisle. Not sure if they thought they would just magically appear at the front with a flash of a bang, and POOF! there they are, but this is something you’ll need to discuss with your significant other, the person you’re going to potentially have escort you down, and of course, you should clue your officiant in as well.
As I said previously, this is a HUGE honor for whomever you decide to use. Not everyone gets the honor of walking you down, and its a moment to be treasured for sure. Also, keep in mind, just because someone is walking you towards the front, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re going to give you away. But, i’m jumping ahead.
The “Giver-Awayer” (yep, just made that up)
So, if your decision on the first step is to have someone walk you down the aisle, the next question is “who?’ This could be anyone you choose. Remember, there are no rules. Typically, it’s a parental figure, but maybe you want dear old grandpa to do it. Or, maybe this is your second marriage, and you want your children to do it. Whomever it is, it should be someone of significance to you. Someone you love and cherish, and you want by your side as you walk towards the love of your life.
This is the part that always gives me chills, even after all these years. The music swells, the guests stand up, you make your grand entrance, all eyes are on you, meanwhile all you can do is try to hold back the tears, as you make your way forward…WOW! What a moment! And trust me, if you’ve decided to have someone walk beside you, you’ll need them. You’ll need them to hold you up, to help assist you forward… simply needing their shoulder to lean on. And if it’s your father and you two are close… forget about it! Dad’s gonna need you just as much as you’ll need him. He’ll be holding back tears, and just as nervous as you. (I don’t know how I’m going to make it through my children’s weddings!)
All I can say about your first appearance to walk down the aisle: stop for just a moment, let it sink in, and cherish it. Take a mental picture, and then move forward. You’ll thank me later that you did.
The Big Question
As stated previously, we’re not getting in to the whole reasons as to why this is tradition, and why or why not someone should or shouldn’t be given-away. We’re simply discussing whether this is something you want done at the start of the nuptials. Today, this is viewed more as a sign of respect for the person who is escorting you down. Plain and simple. And that’s ok if you choose not to do this for a multitude of reasons. Remember, this is your ceremony, not mine, or anyone else’s (well, expect for the person you’re marrying).
The question you need to ask yourself is do you want to be given-away or “presented” at the beginning. Plain and simple. Almost every couple I meet looks like a deer in headlights when I ask them. And that’s ok. It’s something most couples don’t even consider before meeting with me. They’re so focused on other things about the ceremony that they completely space it.
For a variety of reasons, I have never assume a bride wants to be given-away. That’s why as a professional officiant, I always ask them what their thoughts are. And for a variety of reasons, brides tell me yes or no.
Again, if you have someone who’ll accompany you down the aisle, that doesn’t automatically mean they’re presenting you at the start of the ceremony. Many brides often have that person walk them down, and then as the approach the groom they’ll pause, hug each other, and that person will go take a seat. It’s not unheard of to do this, and more common than what you might realize.
Let’s assume you’re wanting to be given-away or presented, there’s not much more to it. When you arrive in front of your beloved, and your officiant, then I’ll either ask “Who gives this bride to be married today?” or “Who presents this bride to be married today”. Pretty simple right?
After the question, then your father (remember earlier, I said we’d assume it was your dad for this blog) would say either “Her father does”, or “Her mother and father do”, or really any iteration of that. Then your fiancé would come forward, give a hug, handshake, COVID elbow bump, or high- five… really whatever they’re comfortable with, and then you two would come forward in front of your officiant.
That’s all folks!
Seems rather simple after all that, right? It really is, and yet, it can be such an emotional part of the ceremony, and of course your escort is rather nervous as well. Couples should give it some thought, and time to discuss it, as it can be a big part of your wedding day.
Remember, there is no wrong or right way to do this. You can walk down the aisle on your own, you can have someone escort you. They can either simply walk down the aisle, and head immediately to their seat, or they can give you away. And it can be just one parent, or both. It can be a relative, children, or a good friend. See, there are so many ways in which to do this.
If you need additional insight, or need to discuss more with an officiant, or you need an officiant, please contact me. I’d love to help make your ceremony as unique as you!