Saying vows to one another is one of the biggest things to happen during your ceremony. The key is to make sure you’re both comfortable with the decision on how you do them. For more information on vows themselves, please see my previous blog. Today, we’re talking about writing your own vows,
Writing your own vows can be exciting, and scary, at the same time. How do you do it? How long should they be? What should you say? These are all valid questions, and concerns. I hope today to help dispel any preconceived notions, and myths, about writing vows. But first, let me drop a little knowledge on you.
What’s the deal?
Back in the day, it was more common for couples to do “traditional” vows. They were sometimes tied to religious beliefs, sometimes even regulated by laws decreed by monarchs. It was very common for the clergy to say the vow, and have the couples repeat them. An actual vow, which according to the laws back then, could be held up in a court of law. A verbal agreement witnessed by people, and then a document signed by the couple, the clergy, and witnesses attesting to the fact they heard this “verbal agreement” or vow. Sound familiar? Yep, in today’s version we still do all of that, but most societies aren’t as stringent as they were back then.
Nowadays, believe it or not, it’s more common for couples to write their own vows, or what many now call “Personal Statements”. They still have the same meaning, but you actually get to say what you really want to each other during your ceremony. In fact, it’s estimated that over 80% of couples who get married today, decide to write their own vows versus repeating a traditional vow.
Writing your own vows can be a very personal time, reflecting on your relationship, and telling your beloved everything in your heart. When guests find out the couple have written their own vows, they usually perk up, lean in, and listen closely. They can be emotional, deeply intimate, and amazing. (A little secret, there have been some I’ve heard over the years that actually made me tear up!)
I know this can be a very stressful thing for you to do, and that’s why some couple’s still opt for the traditional vows, because they just can’t write out what they want to say. Not everyone waxes on eloquently on paper, not everyone is a poet, and not everyone is a romantic. Let me say this: that’s ok. We’re not asking you to be that way. So, let’s take a look at some key factors when it comes to writing your vows.
#1) My lovely love, I love you
Writing your vows can seem quite confusing. There is a lot of misinformation out there, and sometimes we can be misled as to what we should write, and even how to write it. Let’s boil this down to its very essence. At the core of your vows, it’s basically a love letter you’ve written to each other… you just happen to be reading it in front of everyone.
Pretty simple stuff, if you think about it. Think about all the wonderful things your significant other brings to the relationship, ponder why you love them, and then try to imagine a day without them. You there? Good! Write from those emotions, and you’ll do just fine.
#2) Take 1 part love, & 1 part promise and mix
Now that we’ve got you in an emotional place to write, there are really two parts to your vow. You don’t have to use this recipe, but if you’re really struggling with what to write, these two elements should help get you on your way.
1.) In Love
The first half of the vow should be why you fell in love. What qualities made you fall madly in love? Think about their personality traits, maybe intellectual components, and, of course, you can always add in how smoking hot you thought they were. Be real, be honest, and have fun! Sometimes our loved one hasn’t heard these things in awhile and need to be reminded why we think they’re so special.
2.) I promise
The last half of the vow should be what you promise to each other throughout your marriage. What do you want to make sure they know about this marriage? Think about what you’re going to do in this marriage to make sure it’s successful. Keep in mind, you can also have fun in this section as well. Throw in something to make them laugh. Maybe you promise to let them win an argument every so often, or you promise to not watch the next episode of Ted Lasso without them. Keep it fresh, allow it to be emotional, and, again, have fun!
#3) There’s no one better than you!
One of the biggest key factors, and can make this vow amazing, is you! Sometimes couples think that because it’s their wedding day they need to be extra romantic or flowery in their vows, and that simply is not the case. You should be you. Your vow should reflect your personality. There’s a reason your fiancé fell in love with you.
If you’re naturally funny, then your vow will probably be more light-hearted. If you’re naturally romantic, then your vow will probably be more loving. If you’re a person of few words, then your vow will probably be shorter. You get the point. Don’t try to be someone you’re not. Everyone will appreciate it,
#4) Time is on our side
Occasionally with couples I meet, they’ll ask if there’s a time limit on their vows. Technically, the answer is no, you could ramble on for as long as you wish. I mean, it is YOUR wedding, so take all the time necessary to speak what’s on your heart.
However, if we factor in the attention span of most people, then the actual answer is around 2 minutes maximum. The reason for this, is we want your guests to be engaged in this moment. We want everyone on the edge of their seats. If you go over 2 minutes, some may start to get bored, or have their minds begin to wonder. While, again, this is your ceremony, and you can do whatever you like, if you are concerned about guests, then keep it to under 2 minutes.
Write on!
If you can keep these factors in mind when writing your vows, I know you’ll do great! The key is to view it as a love letter, breaking it down in to what you love about them & what you promise throughout your marriage, being yourself, and making sure it’s not too long. But the most important thing is to have fun!! I can’t wait to hear what you’ve come up with. I know its going to be beautiful, emotional, and amazing!
And don’t forget: your officiant is a great resource to help you along the way. If you haven’t hired someone yet, please reach out to me. I’d love to serve as your officiant, and make your ceremony as unique as you.